my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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