he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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