1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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