I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Drunk walkin through police station. America
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
