On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
love makes seman taste better
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
