Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
