Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
