***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
