remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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