I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
