I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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