I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
