Your face is a jimmy john
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
