dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
