Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
