Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
