Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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