If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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