So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
