When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
