why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
