I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
