you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
