She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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