I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Shame is for Republicans.
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