Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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