my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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