I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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