i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize