Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
