Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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