in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
