I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
