someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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