I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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