im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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