Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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