Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think I won the penis lottery.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
