It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize