yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
