she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I cockslap morals
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
