Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
high people should be assigned attendants
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
