If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
