I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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