Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this just has baby written all over it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
