I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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