I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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