He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
