I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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