she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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