as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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