I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
