i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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