The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
