You just made me feel so damn special
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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