I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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