Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
