he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You may now shotgun with the bride
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
